The people in my life think I am one of the nicest people in the world. I am definitely not nice. Yes, on the outside I can act like the nicest person you ever met but on the inside I don't feel very nice. In fact, most of the time I feel bad. I feel bad because I have spent so much of my life pretending to be what my domineering, controlling parents wanted me to be, perfect in all ways.
The sad part is I didn't realized I had turned into what my parents wants me to be rather than what I wanted to be until thoughts of suicide entered my mind.. Thank God, I am way past 'suicidal thoughts' these days. In part, those thoughts left me because I am no longer pretending to myself. Yes, I am still pretending with people who know me but not with myself. I am very real with myself and if you read and follow this blog at all, you will find me being very real with you.
I am not the quiet, altogether person most people know me to be. I am a energetic, crazed, fun loving lunatic of a person. I am a person who is content to be me and have made up my mind to live the rest of my life alone rather than spend one more minute of my time trying to get people to like or approve of me. Screw them and the horse they rode in on... These days I am only interested in ATTRACTING people like me, real people who hate to pretend as much as I do..
I gotta tell you 'pretending ' hurts because you have to put a lot of energy into pretending rather than feeling comfortable enough to relax and be yourself...
(More later.....)
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